Another Pick Up

The dreaded day arrived. The day my children are forced to leave me and spend 26 hours in a place I'm almost sure resembles hell.

My kiddos were all a bit on edge, but I've come to know this as normal behavior. I'm a bit on edge... anyone would be. He showed up at 6:27pm. Late again. As always he took their church clothes and car seats then rang the doorbell. As the visitations have continued to the surprise of many, but not me, it has become a more somber time. Lauren is the only one that's excited to hear the doorbell. My boys find my parents and give them long hugs... then come to me with one as well. Scott begs me one last time to not make him go, the others just linger.

While Wade says he wants to go he drags his feet and his smile disappears. I believe my poor little man still has hope that someday his dad will be a dad and just love him... not even for a drawn out period of time or unconditionally... he just wants to feel good enough to be loved for a single moment in time. I wish I could help him understand that his dad's love isn't worth it... but how do you explain that to a boy who longs to be wanted by the man who helped create him? And so I know I can't.

My babies left. I continued the normal visitation routine... locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about half an hour interrupted by texts from Debauchee.

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:50pm - Debauchee - Can you pick Lee up from Miss Clipitz work instead of here

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:51pm - Me- Yes. Why?

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:52pm - Debauchee - I just thought it would be closer for you and that way I could get the kids haircuts in between scotts basketball game and you picking lee up and then if you get lee back early enough we can still go swimming and he won't have to miss it cuz she really wants to go

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:52pm - Debauchee - *he

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:52pm - Me - Do not cut their hair as they will be getting cuts next week. They need to be fresh

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:53pm - Debauchee - Why

Friday February 10, 2012 - 6:54pm - Debauchee - I already have and appointment with Miss Clipitz

Friday February 10, 2012 - 7:15pm - Me - I guess you need to cancel then.

Friday February 10, 2012 - 7:18pm - Me - You can keep lee's if you want. his cut won't make a difference

Friday February 10, 2012 - 9:42pm - Debauchee - I guess just pick lee up from our house then

Interesting choice of words I thought... "our" house... that house is his and never was ours. He never allowed me to make it ours... I had no desire to even fight with him in decorating it by putting up a picture here or curtains there. The pictures my mom put up when we moved in was all there was except the 4 I'd hung of my kids taking a lot of flack for doing so. Something in me would never allow me to attach myself to it. It never felt like mine, it never felt like home. Perhaps, subconsciously, I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be staying even though it was meant to be our forever home.

I met Lady M and her mom for dinner at the Olive Garden and it was fun. We parted ways so I could get all of Debauchee's business paperwork gone through to get it out of my house. However, I left home a while later to sit in a line at Target with her so she could get a Twilight DVD. I must admit here that I have never read or seen these movies. I honestly had no interest in them when I was with Debauchee. Too many other things going on... even if I had shown interest he would've seen to it there was no time to read them and would not have given "permission" for me to see them.

After her DVD was in hand we left. I got a text from my new friend and I decided to stop by. I was just up the road so thought why not and did. It's been fun getting to know this guy. We talked some... and of course kissed. The kind of kiss where you're swept off your feet kiss... and yes, this man I am definitely physically attracted to which is far and few between. So rare that I've taught myself to look past the physical to the person because physical attraction just doesn't happen with me. I talked and he listened... and we fell asleep... His alarm went off at 7:10am.

He had to pick up his kids and I was just a bit worried of what I'd tell my parents about not coming home. I suppose he could tell I was exhausted from staying up so late and was kind, telling me to go ahead and get some more sleep... he'd text me when he was almost home so I could leave then. I had absolutely no problem with that as I don't feel it's right to meet children until your sure someone is actually going to be part of your life. It's not fair to them to keep putting people in their lives and taking them out. And I for sure am not going to be considered part of his life... as far as his kids are concerned.

I took him up on the offer knowing I'd get no rest at home. About 8:30 he text. That extra bit of sleep was actually amazing and I went home feeling fully rested and ready to wage battle on Debauchee on behalf of my kiddos.

I took a shower and got ready for the day. Ready to go to the police station for help to take my kids to their activities.

Debauchee text....

Saturday February 11, 2012 - 10:06am - Debauchee - Why if scott was the 3rd kid here and they were going to have to start with only 4 players cause everyone else was late did he have to sit out when the other kids came running in? Then 2 other kids came and they get to go in before him. He hasn't even played yet.

Seriously Debauchee? (I wonder how many times I've said that now.) He never ceases to amaze me with his complete and utter stupidity. This is the second to last game that he has him for... hasn't taken him to any others and asks a stupid question like that? He should be saying why the heck is my kid still on a team! However, this is a learning team... which Debauchee doesn't know... so it's all good and I wasn't worried in the least. The only other reason he could possibly have for texting me was so I knew my son was there.

Saturday February 11, 2012 - 10:10am - Me - They alternate who starts. The coach is very fair and impressed with scott and gives them equal time. It's only 5 min into the game.

So Debauchee finally fulfilled his duty to one of his sons... the question was would I be able to get Lee. I got ready for the day and went out to find a gift for Lee to take to his party and then got stuck in traffic trying to pick him up. I called Lady M and asked her if she could pick up my son and she got right on it. I text Debauchee...

Saturday, February 11, 2012 - 12:32pm - Me - Lady M will be there in just a moment. Have him ready with carseat outside.

He didn't do as I asked so Lady M had to knock on the door. She said Debauchee was actually very nice to her... I found that extremely odd. He wasn't even nice to her when we were married. When I got to her house I told her thanks and we took off to his party. He was such a happy little guy when I dropped him off, but seriously concerned.

Debauchee had told him they were going swimming and he'd have to hurry back if he wanted to go. He was worried he'd be all by himself when he went back to Debauchee's. I tried explaining they wouldn't leave without him and if they did he'd just come back home with me and we'd do something fun together.

When I picked Lee up from his party he was grinning from ear to ear. He was happier than I've seen him in forever. About half way back to Debauchee's he began to worry about being alone again. I assured him I wouldn't leave him if no one was home. We pulled up and I parked closer to the neighbors home.

My little man got out, grabbed his car seat and walked all the way around on the sidewalk and up to the door. At first I wondered why he didn't walk straight across the grass... Then I remembered... no one is allowed to walk on Debauchee's grass. How crazy is it that I'd forgotten that rule already. And that my kiddos still have to live it. My poor guy. I would've pulled closer if I'd remembered.

He stood at the door for a good 5 minutes ringing the bell and knocking. I thought maybe they had left. I wouldn't have put it past Debauchee doing so as a way to teach my 5 year old a lesson. Finally someone unlocked the door. Lee opened it and went in... I drove away. The rest of my day was spent trying to clean.

I went on what was to be an early date... with a horrible person and managed to leave very early.

I went to Mr. C's for the evening. We had fun... went to taco time cuz it's cheap... goofed off and went back to his place to finish watching the Lord of the Rings. It is Mr. C's goal to catch me up on all things that happened during the last two decades. All things which did not interest Debauchee so I didn't experience. He'd ask if I'd seen this movie or that and my answer was always no. I told him I felt as if I were kept in a box for the last 20 years and now that it's opened the world is completely different and new. Sometimes I feel like I'm a child learning and soaking in everything around me because it's so exciting and enticing.